Barbara Sher read in full. Books by Barbara Sher

Scientific editor Alika Kalajda

Published with permission from Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

© Barbara Sher, 1994

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. Mann, Ivanov and Ferber LLC, 2019

* * *

In memory of my beloved father Sam Sher.

He lit up our lives

Preface

Not knowing what you want to do in life is a serious matter. It's not nice to not have a goal. In my first book, “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful” 1
Barbara Sher. There's no harm in dreaming. How to get what you really want. – M.: Mann, Ivanov, Ferber, 2014 . Note ed.

I call winning what you want and describe how to move step by step towards victory and create a life where your cherished dreams will come true. However, for many years now, readers have been contacting me with the words: “I really like your book, but I can’t use it because I don’t have a goal. I just don't know what I want."

I got curious. I decided to find out what the problem with these people was and began meeting with those who could not decide on their own desires. They told me their stories, I asked questions, and it soon became clear that all these clients were stuck in internal struggles that they did not even suspect.

It never occurred to them that deep down they know what they want, but their desires are masked by internal conflict. When they learned about the problem, they were very surprised and greatly relieved. All that remained was to develop a plan to circumvent these conflicts, which was surprisingly easy. People woke up to life and took action after one or two meetings!

It was amazing. And I decided to collect all our discoveries and strategies - and combine them in a book so that they are available to everyone who needs help.

Now you are holding this book in your hands.

Are you not doing what you love and not pursuing your dreams because you can’t figure out what exactly you want? I assure you, you are not alone. The problem is common and there is a solution. Once you recognize yourself in the descriptions on these pages, you will immediately be introduced to techniques that can help you.

Don't be surprised if you find characteristics that are characteristic of yourself in several chapters at once. Read everything. Most of us are complex, multifaceted creatures, and the exercise that will be your breakthrough could be in any of the chapters.

Working on a book will be a fun, educational, sometimes painful, and often very fun experience. Sometimes it is not easy to understand what is happening inside, but if you do, you will experience a surge of energy and great rewards.

You can do anything if you just find out what exactly you want. And it will happen soon.

Introduction

The purpose of this book is to help you improve your life. When I talk about the good life, I don't mean swimming pools, mansions and private jets - unless you really dream about them. But the reader who is interested in a book called “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it,” probably not about swimming pools.

You want to truly love your life.

My friend's father explained it perfectly: "A good life is when you get up in the morning and can't wait to start all over again."

Is this the case for you? Or does this idea of ​​the good life seem like an unattainable heavenly ideal? If you don't jump out of bed in the morning excited about the day ahead, I know for sure that you are desperate to find a goal that will make you feel like my friend's father. You crave a job that will give you energy and fill you with enthusiasm. You passionately dream of finding a place where you will leave your mark. Albert Schweitzer 2
Albert Schweitzer (1875–1965) – humanist, theologian, philosopher, physician and musician, Nobel Peace Prize laureate. He spent many years in Equatorial Africa, where he founded a hospital and spent the rest of his life treating the needy. Here and below are translator's notes.

Found my place, and Golda Meir 3
Golda Meir (1898–1978) – Israeli statesman, fifth Prime Minister of Israel.

Also, the neighbor boy, who played the guitar day and night, also found it.

Such people know how to live. They believe in their business with all their hearts. They know that their work is important.

When you're around people who have found their calling, you see the sense of purpose on their faces.

Life is too short to live without a goal.

In the early 1980s, two psychologists from Harvard University studied people who considered themselves happy. What did they have in common? Money? Success? Health? Love?

Nothing like this.

They were united by only two things: they knew exactly what they wanted, and they felt that they were moving towards their goal.

That's what a good life is: you have a goal and you go straight to the object of your love.

Yes, I'm talking about love.

It's not about skills and abilities. I don't care what skills you have. Do you know what I could do when I was a single mother with two small children? Clean the house with demonic speed; catch the bus while holding laundry bags, grocery bags and children; squeeze everything possible out of the dollar, so that the portrait of George Washington began to beg for mercy.

Thanks, but I'm not interested in a career that would benefit from these skills.

I don't believe that a good life will come from what you know how to do. It's important that you do what you want to do. Moreover, I believe that skills do not reflect your true talents. We are all good at doing things that don't bring us any pleasure. And everyone has absolutely untapped abilities.

Don't rely on your skills when choosing a direction in life. That's why I'm not going to give personality tests and skills tests to determine what you should do.

I know what you need to do.

The things you love.

You are talented at what you love. Only love will give you the strength and energy to do something as long as it takes to develop your abilities. This is how great achievements are achieved - ordinary people like you or me know what they want and put their all into it.

If you don't know what you want, you can't even get to the starting line - and that's frustrating. But you are not alone. Recent studies have shown that as many as 98 percent of Americans are dissatisfied with their jobs. But it’s not just the financial issue that keeps them in place – they simply don’t know what to do instead. You may have thought of this condition as a personal nightmare, but in reality it is terribly common.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

In reality, you know what you want.

Everyone knows this. That's why you have no peace until you find your way. You feel that you are destined for some specific task. And you're right. Einstein needed to develop physical theories, Harriet Tubman 4
Harriet Tubman (1820–1913) - American abolitionist and fighter for the rights of blacks. Born a slave, she escaped to freedom and subsequently contributed to the liberation of more than 300 black slaves.

Was supposed to lead people to freedom, and you need to follow your unique purpose. As Vartan Grigoryan said 5
Vartan Grigoryan (born 1934) is an American historian and president of the Carnegie Corporation of New York.

: “There will never be another person like you in the Universe, never in the entire history of mankind.” Each of us is unique. Every person has a unique view of the world, and this originality always wants to express itself.

But something stops many. When we decide to change our lives, pick up the baton and enter the race, something always happens. For some mysterious reason, our resolve is fading. We look at the baton and think: “No, this is not mine.” And we put it aside, worrying that time is running out, that we will never find “our own.”

There are two reasons for this.

First of all, it is very difficult to know what we want because we have so many options to choose from. It wasn't always like this. Our parents and their parents had more limited options and clearer goals. We owe the current freedom in search of life's work to the success of our culture.

Freedom is wonderful. But it is also painful because it requires us to set our own goals.

Did you know that during war, fewer people suffer from depression? During such periods everything is important. Every day you know exactly what needs to be done. Despite the fear, the struggle for survival provides direction and energy. You don't waste time trying to figure out what you're worth or what you should do with your life. You are just trying to survive, save your home, help your neighbors. We like films about people who find themselves in mortal danger - because every step of the heroes is full of meaning.

And when there are no emergency situations that dictate goals, meaningful goals have to be created. It is possible if you have a dream, but we have little experience of this kind.

Secondly, something in us prevents us from realizing your desires. Some internal conflict prevents them from being seen. Determining its essence is not so easy. Often he disguises himself as self-reproach: “Maybe I don’t have any talents. Maybe I'm just lazy. If I were smarter, I would achieve more in life."

And none of these accusations are true.

The first purpose of this book is to shed light on your inner conflict so that you can clearly see its outlines. Having determined what was stopping you, you will immediately understand why you could not arrange your life the way you want. You will stop reproaching yourself. And you realize that your inaction has a reason.

In our culture there are a lot of primitive accusatory myths like: “If you really want something, you will achieve it.” Or: “If you prevent yourself from acting, it means you lack character.” No one asks the obvious question: “Why on earth would a person interfere with himself?” Finding the answer requires curiosity, and people who tend to judge others always lack it.

In the following chapters, we will learn how to relieve these feelings of guilt and replace them with honest and unbiased curiosity. I deeply respect sincere curiosity and have no respect at all for smug self-righteousness. You will get useful answers, answers that will help us, if you apply the principle “everything happens for a reason.” Of course, there is a reason why you don't know where to go. This book will help you find it.

For now, just remember: whatever you did before you opened the book, it is not due to laziness, stupidity, or cowardice. Many self-improvement programs, even very useful ones, are often based on the assumption that you did not achieve what you wanted because you did not develop the right way of thinking. They judge you and imply that you need to fix it first.

Now, forget about it.

To truly enjoy your life, you don’t need to become better or change your attitude towards the situation. You are already good enough. Moreover, the smartest thing is to take and get what you want before you start working on yourself. Once on the right path, you will see how the “wrong” way of thinking will miraculously change.

I don't plan to put you into a program that requires you to become a different person. Life is not so simple, and wishful thinking will not achieve anything. I also don't believe that you can solve problems with positive thinking. A system that requires you to artificially change your thoughts and pretend that you are experiencing feelings that are not there is not sustainable enough in the long term. Creative visualization also has limitations. I know many people who cannot visualize and people who experience intense internal conflict even when imagining the things they love. Yes, the idea of ​​“creating your own reality” sounds promising, but there is a downside: if everything goes wrong, you will have something to blame. This is unfair. You are not so omnipotent as to be solely responsible for your own destiny - and there is no such need.

However, you need to understand why you don't know what you want. Once a completely credible explanation is found, something can finally be done about it.

The second purpose of the book is to show exactly how to do this. Each chapter contains tools and strategies to help you stop fighting within yourself whenever you need to, now and in the future.

If you seem to know what you want, but the voice insists: “You can’t want something that is so banal and insignificant,” this will suit you. Perhaps the problems are rooted in “your tribe” - in your family, friends, customs: you want what is in conflict with everything you have been taught.

If you have just graduated from school, university or training program and a voice says: “I am afraid to choose - in case I find myself trapped!”, then turn to. She will show you how not to get stuck in the wrong place and start living.

And if you hear inside: “I’m trying to achieve something, but, frankly, I’m not in the mood for it, I don’t know why,” your situation is not as mysterious as it might seem. Take a look, you may find that in reality want to do what you are trying to give up.

If you still can't figure out what your inner voice is saying, don't worry. You will hear him. I guarantee it.

Once you begin to feel your way, you will find yourself on the leading edge of a massive historical change. In modern industrial society, almost everyone—whether they like it or not—has to figure out what kind of job and life they want. Sooner or later, all people (of any age) ask themselves: “What do I want to do?”

Gone are the days when students took the path of least resistance and went to, say, a career in banking or further education at the Faculty of Law, believing that this choice was the end of lifelong career planning. According to one research firm, college graduates last year are likely to hold ten to twelve jobs in five different fields over the course of their professional lives. Whether you like it or not, everyone has a second career in the pipeline. Or maybe the third. Or even more.

Corporations continue to lay off employees, and not only because of recent crises: we are entering a new period in economic history. Global competition is forcing companies to transform themselves into smaller and more efficient ones. They are shrinking in size by about two-thirds and may never grow larger. Middle managers are rendered unnecessary. Secretaries are being replaced by technology. The top twenty students at any college or business school may still get good offers from employers, but the rest are on their own.

The trend is clear: we will become a nation of experts - consultants and entrepreneurs. Many will work from home and be paid for specific projects based on ability.

And who will shine brilliantly in the face of change? Those who are ready to turn what they love into their own niche - a niche in which they will succeed. Never before have we had such a strong need to identify our talents.

So, let's go! Let's look at why you don't know what you want. And then we'll try to do something about it.

Chapter 1. What was expected of you?

What should you do with your life? Interesting question, isn't it? After all, even when you yourself don’t understand what you want to do, you often know what was expected of you.

I was expected to get married, move in next door to my parents, raise children and run a household.

And it seems that everyone I ask has the answer to this question:

“They expected me to work in the printing house with my father.”

“I had to marry a hereditary financier and raise five child prodigies in a mansion on the seashore.”

“My father wanted me to become a partner in a Wall Street law firm, or the president of a bank, or the head of a corporation—some big shot.”

“I was not supposed to be more successful than my brothers.”

“I was expected to do something special, but I never quite figured out what it was.”

Silent attitudes live in each of us - someone's expectations. You can never speak about them out loud, rebel against them, refuse to follow them. But, one way or another, we always know about them. And these attitudes greatly influence our lives.

How is it going with you? What was your purpose? Maybe you are one of the lucky ones, like Picasso, who knew that he was born to become an artist. Silent attitudes can be an invaluable clue, or they can be a broken compass.

And if it really is a broken compass and you are wandering away from your calling, it is sometimes very painful to watch how the Picasso of this world happily and laboriously go through life. You think: why are you so unlucky?

Families, communities, and even entire cultures in which we are all raised, inundate us with their expectations. Sometimes these attitudes scream like billboards: “Get married. Earn money. Buy a house." And sometimes they are veiled - and quietly creep into us. And they remain. And they never get out into the light, where they could be clearly examined and either rejected or openly accepted.

We usually forget how and when we received instructions on what to do with our lives - just as we forget when we learned to eat with a fork or not to pee in bed. But whenever this happens, they remain with us, and we react to them - usually without thinking. Some obey instructions, some rebel, but everyone responds.

Think for a moment about your life and your goals. Are you living as expected of you?

They wanted me to live next to my parents And At the same time, she was an international spy journalist who spent her days and nights on luxurious travel and dangerous intrigues. A difficult life plan. Firstly, it is impossible to do it. Secondly, I didn’t want to. For a homebody, I love adventure too much, but for a spy I don’t love it enough.

Like you, I was born into a world where ideas of right and wrong surrounded me on all sides - and I wanted to do the right thing. And so, although the settings given to me were impossible to implement, I spent years turning them over in my head, trying to find a way to comply with them.

Sometimes the ideas we have internalized contradict each other and do not suit us. However, they are part of the world in which we were born. They penetrate deep. And they influence us. And even if parents sincerely try not to put pressure on their children, this still happens. Children are susceptible to influence in any case. They learn quickly, and sometimes magically. In childhood, we even catch what is not spoken.

Each such message - explicit or veiled - sinks into the mind, where it can remain for the rest of our adult lives, impeding our happiness. For example, you seem to know what you want, you are successful at your job and you are very passionate about it, but nevertheless you are haunted by the feeling that you should be doing something else.

Journalist Jack M., 29, who reported from hot spots in South Africa at the height of the anti-apartheid struggle and loved his job, told me: “I should have been a doctor. For some reason journalism was not considered an occupation worthy of me.”

Benita B., 36, single and making a great living on Wall Street, said: “I was supposed to will get married for a successful person, not I'll become one of them."

It is obvious how harmful these attitudes are to Jack, Benita and Susan. Unfortunately, it's not so easy to see how these same kinds of expectations are hurting you.

Barbara is the author of seven best-selling books, each of which offers a practical and detailed method for discovering your natural talents, setting your goals, and turning your dreams into reality. She is often referred to by the press and her many fans as the mother of life coaching.

She has conducted seminars and master classes around the world - for universities, professional organizations, Fortune 100 corporations, government agencies. “A comedian with a message”, “the best lecturer we have ever seen” - this is what listeners say about her.

She has appeared regularly in national media on popular programs including The Oprah Winfrey Show. Barbara Sher periodically conducts seminars at the Smithsonian Institution, Harvard and New York Universities.

Barbara walked towards her dream for a long time: for seven years she worked as a waitress, being a single mother with two children. During these seven years, she combined work in a restaurant and her favorite thing - working with people. Her first book, “It's Not Harmful to Dream,” was published when Barbara was 44 years old. The book became a bestseller and has been sold in huge numbers all over the world for more than 35 years.

List of all books by Barbara Sher in order of writing (publications)

Here you can download all of Barbara Sher's books for free for review, read online or buy the full electronic version in FB2, PDF, EPUB, TXT, DOC, MOBI formats.

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…Barbara Sher’s book “It’s Not Harmful to Dream” is already 35 years old. This is the first time the book has been translated into Russian, but in other countries it is still a bestseller. And why all? Therefore, apparently, new generations, no less than previous ones, need someone to pay attention to their dreams, to their vague fantasies and desires and clearly suggest how to turn them into reality. American Barbara Sher told Psychologies about how scary it is to start even something you like, about whether dreams bring money and what to do if you have to choose between your family and what you love.

Psychologies:

What was your first dream?

Barbara Sher:

I admit, I never had any clear dreams. I just had a feeling that I was special in something, but I didn’t understand what exactly. It was like a slight worry that I could live this life and no one in the world would even know I was in it. It turns out that this is already enough to start moving towards your dream. And then I wrote a book, a good book, and I had no doubt about it, because it was based on a carefully designed two-day seminar that I had successfully conducted for almost three years. I knew that this seminar was helping people. Before my eyes, they used my techniques to help each other achieve the seemingly impossible, opened their own businesses, got their plays staged in New York theaters, received grants and went to Appalachia to photograph local children... These dreams were so as unique as their owners... And so, when the book was published, I said to myself: “Well, that’s it, now people will know for sure that I was here.” I'm glad that people heard my voice and knew what I wanted to tell the world.

Which step on the path to your dream was the most difficult for you and why?

B. Sh.:

This was probably the period when I just had children. I was a single mother, I always had too much to do, I was very tired and constantly late. But I loved the children and my job, and I just did the best I could.

At what point do you realize that your dream has come true?

B. Sh.:

At the beginning of every new project, I am still a little scared: what if it doesn’t work out? But as soon as the project ends successfully, I exhale and feel that my dream has come true again. Just recently I launched a subsection on my website called Hanging Out with Barbara Sher. I write letters to my subscribers three times a week: I talk about what I love to do and about my little discoveries. I have never had the opportunity to share my feelings and sympathies with others, and now I have already written 300 letters about it. It's hard work, but I love every minute of it. I used to think that no one would be interested in this, but now I receive thousands of letters from people. Now every morning I rush to look at the comments that people leave on the site. Thanks to the project, I learned to see people in a new way and understand them better.

But what if a person has dreams, but lacks the strength and desire to make them come true? Either the excitement is not enough, or he believes that the result is not worth the cost. What should he do: close your book or somehow work on himself?

B. Sh.:

I can't imagine a dream without desire. But many are convinced that their dreams are impossible to achieve. I have worked hard all my life to convey one truth to people: “If you can find what you love to do most, there will be a way to achieve what you want. You only need to do two things: 1. Do what you love. 2. Don’t insist that you will have to pay dearly for it.” There is no need to think about the fact that dreams do not bring money, that you will quickly run out of money, or about what profession to choose to earn more money. All these thoughts can lead to prolonged depression. Just do what you love and success will come naturally. Some people say: “Well, if I do what I love, I won’t have anything to eat!” How to earn a living? At first, you can earn a living by working any job that doesn’t make you unhappy. It may be a regular job that can be boring at times, but it's not terrible. Call it an "arts subsidy" if you like.

You suggest looking for your dreams and calling in childhood. But really they cannot be formed by our youth and mature years?

B. Sh.:

Of course, dreams can be formed in adulthood. But they only rarely conflict with the things we loved to do as children. I believe that if you enjoy doing something, then you are talented at it and it should be developed. It happens that in childhood talent is hidden, hidden. And then you grow up and suddenly discover that you love to draw or sing. It seems to you that this did not attract you as a child. But if you can look back on your life and remember your early years, then you will definitely see the prerequisites for your talent.

Richard Bach said, “The only thing that destroys a dream is compromise.” Do you agree?

Is there anything impossible for a person?

B. Sh.:

Much is impossible for a person. For example, I will never become an Olympic swimmer or a famous pianist because I am over 70 years old and have never played the piano. But one thing I know for sure is that if you have something you love, you can always incorporate it into your daily life in one way or another.

Current page: 1 (book has a total of 22 pages) [available reading passage: 5 pages]

Barbara Sher, Annie Gottlieb
There's no harm in dreaming. How to get what you really want

Wishcraft

How to Get What You Really Want

Scientific editor Alika Kalajda

Published with permission from Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

© Barbara Sher, 2004

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. Mann, Ivanov and Ferber LLC, 2014

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet or corporate networks, for private or public use without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

© The electronic version of the book was prepared by liters

* * *

Dedicated to my mother,

who always believed in me

Preface

It’s hard to believe that thirty years have passed since the moment when I held my first book in my hands, looking at the cover with the title “It’s not harmful to dream” and my name. My life hasn't changed. At least not right away. Just like ten years before, I raised two boys alone, worked hard and had difficulty making ends meet. Not to mention that I was almost forty-five and by the standards of 1979 it was considered too late to start something new, especially for a woman.

But that day I felt like Cinderella at the ball, because my book was published. Everything was like a dream. Deep down, I was always afraid that I would live my life and no one would know about me. Everything was fine now. I wrote a book, a good book, and I had no doubt about it, because it was based on a carefully designed two-day seminar that I had successfully conducted for almost three years. I knew that this seminar was helping people. Before my eyes, they used my techniques to help each other achieve the seemingly impossible, opened their own businesses, got their plays staged in theaters in New York, received grants and went to Appalachia to photograph local children, entered a prestigious law school faculty and graduated from it, found ways, assistance and adopted children. These dreams were as unique as their owners.

I hoped that “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful” would help people the way my seminar helped them, but I wasn’t sure. The seminars were recorded (a lot of audio tapes - after all, each lasted about twelve hours), everything was presented in the book in the same words as in the classes. But there were people working face to face, and I was worried that the book wouldn't have the impact it needed.

There was no need to worry for long.

A few weeks after the book came out, I started receiving letters. Real letters are in envelopes, hand-addressed and stamped. At first I received several letters a week, then more and more, and after six months my closet was already filled with cardboard boxes with letters. Readers thanked me for my practical approach and simplicity - for understanding their lives, for helping them pay attention to their dreams. I warned them that they would face fear and negativity, and they appreciated it. They liked my advice to complain to someone every now and then.

Some, paying attention to the training origin of “Dreaming is Not Harmful,” began reading my book in groups. Sometimes it took them a year to go through it together and realize their dreams. Some said they studied Dreaming Isn't Harmful in a college course, others wanted to create “success teams” using the book as a guide and asked for help in doing so. Many simply read the book and said that they no longer felt lonely. By letters they let me into their lives, they wanted to say that thanks to “Dreaming is Not Harmful” they were understood, heard and found help. I experienced an incomparable feeling.

Thirty years have passed, and I still receive letters of gratitude, sometimes from people who, years later, reread “It’s Not Harmful to Dream” and tell me that the book helped them again and again. Sometimes their grown-up children even write to me.

I have a small stack of my very first letters. And also several emails that continue to arrive to this day. But no matter how many reviews I receive, I always feel honored and excited when I read them, and try to respond personally.

Since 1979, “Dreaming is Not Harmful” has been constantly republished. Publishers happily accepted my new manuscripts and published new books, the fate of which also turned out well.

Thanks to “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful,” I became “someone.” Journalists contacted me for comments on their articles. I have spoken hundreds of times to audiences ranging from major Fortune 100 companies to offshore job search firms to parent unschooling conferences. 1
Unschooling is a type of home, family education based on the interests of the child. As a rule, it does not involve systematic training and following training programs. Here and further approx. ed.

And gifted children in rural schools. I have performed in the USA, Canada, Australia and Western Europe, and even in countries that have recently gotten rid of the Iron Curtain and want to learn to dream again.

As of this writing, I have produced five special editions of my speeches for fundraising marathons in support of public television channels and plan to continue. Sometimes they even recognize me at airports, which is surprising, because usually after long flights I am disheveled, tired, and even with a dog in my arms. I don't look like a celebrity and I don't get treated like a celebrity. We talk like old friends, and I really like it.

From a personal point of view, the success of “It’s Not Harmful to Dream” exceeded all my expectations. I have had the rare and amazing opportunity to help people achieve their dreams by offering them techniques that are practical and work. Help even if they don't see their goal, have no idea how to believe in themselves, or can't stay positive. I make them laugh at their own negative thinking and show them that they already have everything they need to create the life of their dreams. It’s just that isolation destroys desires, but outside support works wonders.

Now my message, first heard in “It’s Not Harmful to Dream,” has resonated with millions of people. Thanks to this, I can make a living doing what I really love. Like everyone else, I had my ups and downs, but I never got bored. Not for a second. Therefore, thirty years flew by in an instant.

And it all started with the book you are holding in your hands. I sincerely hope that “Dreaming is Not Harmful” will give you a life as interesting and full of meaning as it gave me. Moreover, I hope it inspires you to help others achieve their dreams. This will make me the happiest.

Introduction

This book is written to make you a winner.

No, it is not intended to drive you like a tough coach in American football - “Go and trample everyone there” - unless, of course, you yourself strive for this with all your heart. However, I don’t think that most of us enjoy the opportunity to trample our rivals and remain alone at an imaginary peak. This is just a consolation prize, which those who were not explained at one time what it means to win are striving for. I have my own definition - simple and radical.

Winning, in my understanding, means getting what you want. Not what your dad and mom would like for you, not what you consider achievable in this world, but exactly what you want you are yours desires, fantasies and dreams. A person becomes a winner when he loves his life, when he gets up every morning, enjoying the new day, when he likes what he does, even if sometimes it is a little scary.

Is this about you? If not, what needs to change to become a winner? What is your deepest dream? Maybe lead a quiet, peaceful life on your two-hectare farm? Swim out of a huge Rolls-Royce while reporters' cameras flash? Photograph rhinoceroses in Africa, become vice president of the company you currently work for, adopt a child, make a film... start your own business or learn to play the piano... open a theater with a restaurant or get a pilot's license? Your dream is as unique as you are. But whatever it may be - modest or grandiose, fantastic or real, distant like the moon in the night sky or very close - I want you to start taking it seriously right now.

We have always been taught that dreams are something frivolous and superficial, but in reality everything is completely different. This is not an indulgence that can wait while you do “serious” things. This is a necessity. What you want is what you need. Your deepest dream is rooted in your very essence, it consists of information about who you are now and who you can become. You must take care of her. You must respect her. And, above all, you must have it.

This is available to you. You can do it.

Wait a minute! You've heard this before. And if you are like me, then just the words “you can!” enough to set alarm bells ringing. “The last time I fell for it, I cut my forehead! The world is tough and I'm not in the best shape. I don't think I'm ready for all this positive thinking stuff again. Perhaps you can. But I experienced this on my own skin, and I know that I can’t.”

I've seen a lot of books and programs that promise that you only need to take ten simple steps to self-esteem, self-discipline, willpower and positive thinking, and I know what I'm talking about. This book is different. Written for people like me. People who were born without outstanding qualities and have lost hope of acquiring them. Do you know how to persistently achieve a goal? Me not. As soon as I started sticking to at least some kind of routine on Monday, by Wednesday I was already giving up. Self-discipline? One morning I went for a run. About four years ago. Self confidence? Oh, it filled me up after the success workshops. It lasted exactly three days. I'm a pro at procrastination. I love watching old films when I need to do important things. My positive attitude inevitably gives way to fits of despondency. As a well-meaning but tactless friend of mine once said, “Barbara, if you can do it, anyone can.”

And I did.

Eleven years ago, I landed in New York, divorced, with two young children, penniless and a bachelor's degree in anthropology. (Are you laughing? So you know how useful this degree is in life.) We were forced to live on welfare while I looked for work. Luckily, I found something I liked. I worked with people, not with papers. Over the next ten years, she opened two very successful businesses, wrote two books and one training manual for her seminars, and raised two healthy and sweet boys. (And she also lost nine kilograms. And even quit smoking. Twice.) And yet she hasn’t changed a bit for the better. I still get distracted all the time while doing something. I am often in a very bad mood. But I achieved everything myself and I love my life even in times when I hate myself. By my own definition, I am a winner. So you can become one too.

I relate to this short word as a starving person approaches bread. If ten years ago some kind soul had told me exactly how to make my dreams come true, instead of kindly assuring me that it was even possible, I would have saved a lot of time and pain. While I tried to believe in myself and overcome bad habits, I failed and blamed myself for it. This continued until I gave up trying to fix myself and tried to come up with techniques that would work in any conditions (because I wasn’t going to live to the grave without getting what I wanted, whether I deserved it or not). It was then that I came across the secret of those who achieved true success. It's not about superhero genes or a grip of steel, as the myths say. Everything is much simpler. What is needed is to know the right techniques and get support.

You don't need mantras, self-hypnosis, character-building programs, or new toothpaste to start creating the life of your dreams. You need practical problem-solving techniques, planning skills, skills and access to necessary materials, information and contacts. (See Chapters 6, 7, and 8.) You need a smart strategy for managing feelings and weaknesses like fear, sadness, and laziness that won't go away. (See Chapters 5 and 9.) Changes in your life can cause temporary emotional turmoil in your relationships, and you need to learn to cope with this while getting the extra support you need to make risky decisions. (See chapter 10.)

The “embodiment” part of the book is based on the needs and capabilities of people as they are, not as they should be. I had to figure it all out on my own through trial and error. I don’t think you need to take such a difficult path either. So I am sharing with you the results of my experiments: techniques tested in “success teams”. Thousands of men and women have used them to make dreams come true in everything from running horse ranches to hand-binding books, from choral singing to city planning, from writing children's books to selling securities. The second half of “Dreaming is not harmful” is a detailed answer to the question “how?” Now I will tell you only one thing: you don’t need to change yourself, because, firstly, it is impossible, and secondly, you are already good enough. With pencil, paper, your imagination, your family and friends, you will create a life support system that will take on the hardest things and allow you to perform with maximum energy.

But, of course, first you have to find out what you want.

The first half of the book is devoted to desires. Unlike the ability to turn dreams into reality, the very real - akin to engineering or carpentry - skill of wishing does not need to be learned. In humans it is innate, like the ability to fly in birds. For your imagination to gain wings, you don’t need anything extra, but you will have to get rid of some things. From the enchanting spell "it can't be done." And from the heavy burden of disappointments that you probably carry after the last unsuccessful attempt to realize your dream. Many of us have never been told how to make a dream come true, and after several attempts we are convinced that it is impossible or terribly difficult. So they began to aim lower and be content with what seemed available. But here's what's interesting: the art of making wishes come true, which the book talks about, will not work if you do not put your wildest hopes and most cherished dreams into it. Techniques and strategies explain How win, but our desires are extremely important For what, this is the force that drives the entire mechanism.

Our language is full of expressions about the impossibility and helplessness of desires - “you can’t achieve anything by wanting alone”, “wanting the moon from the sky”, “ethereal fantasy”, “hopeless dreamer”. It's all nonsense. Desires and dreams are the source of all human endeavor. See for yourself: humanity has been striving for the Moon for many millennia, and in the 20th century we got there. This is what desire combined with skill can do: it can change reality. Yes, desire alone is not enough for this. It, like steam without an engine, will simply dissipate in the air. But a technique without desire is like a cold and empty engine: it will not work. If something seems difficult, stop and try to understand what exactly is difficult for you: completing paperwork? dig a ditch? clean the floor? If necessary, you can do this, but it is incredibly difficult to put your heart into such an activity and devote your whole life to it.

In our society there are a lot of hardworking and responsible people who know How get the job done, but never felt like they were allowed to look inside themselves and find out What that's what they want to do. If you are one of them, then the first part of the book will be a revelation for you. She will help you understand how and why you lost touch with your dream, and tell you about simple and enjoyable exercises for getting it back. And then it will help you make what you love a real goal. Far from being impractical or irresponsible, doing something you love is more like an oil well: you get a surge of energy that will propel you to the pinnacle of success.

On the other hand, if you started reading the book with a clear understanding of your desires and goals and are looking only for specific instructions on how to achieve them, you may be tempted to skip straight to part two. But still read the wish. It will be easier for you to formulate your goals as clearly as possible, which is already half the victory. I promise it will expand your understanding of what can be accomplished in one human lifetime.

The famous psychotherapist Rollo May wrote a book called “Love and Will” 2
Rollo May. Love and will. M.: “Vintage”, 2013.

My book is about love and skill, the two most important components of real success. Now let's move on to you.

Part I
Human genius: feeding and care

Chapter 1
Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are? A very interesting question. And how interesting it would be if those who asked us about this in childhood really wanted to get an intelligent answer. Unfortunately, they didn’t need an answer at all - they already had one ready. They spoke:

“Who do you think you are? Sarah Bernhardt? Take off this shawl this minute and wash the dishes!”

“Who do you think you are? Charles Darwin? Well, get that nasty turtle off my desk and go do your arithmetic!”

“Are you an astronaut? A scientist like Madame Curie? Movie star? Who do you think you are anyway?

Sound familiar? Many of us heard this question growing up. Usually at that acute moment when we are especially vulnerable, because we decide to do something for the sake of our dreams, plans, cherished thoughts. But just imagine that this question is asked with interest and participation, without causticity and the usual contemptuous tone.

I propose to conduct a very simple experiment. I will ask you this question again. But now try to hear exactly the question in it. A question that is awaiting your answer. Who do you think you are?

Exercise 1. Who do you think you are?

Take a blank sheet of paper (we will use a lot of paper) and answer - from a few sentences to half a page - to the question: who do you think you are? I'm very interested. What are the four or five main traits that define your personality? There are no right or wrong answers, and there is just one rule: don't think too long or too hard. Just write down the first thing that comes to mind: “This is me.”

Now look at your answer. I'm more than fifty percent sure that you wrote something like:

“I’m twenty-eight, Catholic, single, working as a secretary for an electronics company, living in Buffalo.”

“Height 178 cm, weight 79 kg, black hair, brown eyes, Italian, former football player, votes Democrat, Vietnam veteran, electrical salesman.”

“Former teacher, married to her beloved man, a general practitioner, mother of three amazing children: Marty, thirteen years old, Jimmy, eight years old, and Eliza, five and a half years old.”

Or:

“Black, born in Detroit, eldest of five children. My father worked for General Motors. Studied at Wayne State University, B.A. Programmer. Next summer I’ll marry the girl I’ve loved since school.”

When we meet, we usually say something like: “I work here, live there, married, single, earn money, don’t earn money, mother of so-and-so, Protestant, go to school.” Having exchanged such data about our life and work, we think that we have told the main thing and have some idea about each other.

What can I say? We are wrong.

Undoubtedly, all this is very important for us. Our life, in fact, consists of life experience, history, roles, relationships, earnings, skills. We choose some of this ourselves. Some of what we call our choices are actually compromises. Something completely random.

But this is not your essence.

You might be surprised, but if I were sitting next to you, helping you choose a goal and plan your ideal life, I wouldn’t ask anything like that. I wouldn't care how you make money unless you love your job. I wouldn't ask about what you usually include in a resume - experience, skills, education. Too often we are great at doing things we never chose to do, things we were forced to do, like typing or scrubbing floors (as in my case). This is not at all what we like.

When it comes time to choose a business that you would do with joy and energy, a business that would bring you stunning success, your skills are completely unimportant. In fact, they may even get in the way unless you sternly relegate them to the background. Forget about them for now.

Yes, yes, that's right. I want you to now forget about your job (unless you adore it), your family (even if you adore it), responsibilities, education - everything that makes up your reality and personality. Don't worry. They're not going anywhere. I know they are important to you. Some of this is necessary and very expensive. But all this is not you. Now focus on to myself.

I'm interested in, what do you like.

Perhaps you can give an answer. Perhaps not. It could be your job, a hobby, a sport, going to the movies, something you like to read about, a subject you'd like to study in school, something that fascinates you when you happen upon it, even if nothing really you don't know about it.

There may well be several such hobbies. No matter what it is - playing guitar, bird watching, sewing, stock market trading, Indian history - there is a very, very important reason why you like it. These are the keys to what is hidden in you: to talent, opportunities, your unique view of the world. You may not even realize it. You may have peculiar memory lapses. The kind of failures that leave you not even sure what you really love. As it were , that's exactly what you are! This is your personality, your essence.

And even something more. Your essence is not something passive, permanent and unchanging. As one philosopher said, this is the most important plan, a blueprint that must be translated into reality by living your entire life. And the unique pattern of your talents, abilities, hidden in what you love, is a map for finding the path of life.

Have you ever looked for treasure as a child? Have you read The Gold Bug by Edgar Allan Poe? Then you know that before you go looking for treasure, you need to find the map. It may be well hidden, torn in half or even into a million pieces, but first of all you must find it and put it together, like a puzzle. This is what we will be doing throughout the first part of the book.

Hints and keys to your life path are not lost. They are scattered everywhere and hidden, sometimes right under your nose, in plain sight. They need to be collected and carefully studied until you begin to understand how to create a life that is right for you.

A life where you will joyfully jump out of bed every morning to meet the world, even if sometimes experiencing fear, but always living to the fullest.

If you lack strength, constantly want to sleep, you do everything through force, then the reason may not be a lack of vitamins or low blood sugar. Perhaps they just haven’t found their purpose. You will immediately know your path as soon as you set foot on it, because you will immediately be overwhelmed with energy and creative ideas.

This is part of the secret of people who achieve real success. They found their way. In addition, they have special skills that allow them to make dreams come true. This is very important, and teaching you such skills is the goal of the second part of the book. But first you need to unleash your creativity and passion for your business, and the only way to do this is to find your path. Only he will truly captivate you. The treasure to which this path will lead you will be success.

Let's do something symbolic right now. Take a piece of paper on which you answered the question “who do you think you are?” Look at him again. Now crumple it up and throw it in the trash.

This is the only sheet I will ask you to throw away, and I already mentioned that you will have to write a lot.

Or keep it as a souvenir. In the future, it will serve as an excellent illustration of the “before and after” comparison, a symbol of your misconception about yourself. Because you, like most of us, are mistaken about who you think you are.

Who are you really?

You forgot. But you knew! We knew him as a child, just a child. This is where we begin to look for the lost map of your treasures - your talents. In the first five precious and mysterious years of your life. During the period when you learned the most.

I'll tell you something about you at that age.

I WAS NAGIEV'S WIFE

The presence of a wife in Dima’s life was carefully hidden under the cover of secrecy. The cover was decorated with gold embroidery of absurd rumors and bordered with a lush fringe of guesses. Once in an interview in response to direct questions from a journalist, “Who is Alice Sher?” Are you husband and wife or not?” Nagiyev managed to answer: “What do you want to know? Am I husband or wife to Alice Sher? In some article it was written that she is generally a man... Therefore, I am taking a time out until I find out reliable information. And if it turns out that Alice Sher is a man, we will become friends, if she is a woman, we will get married.”I was amused by Dmitry's wit...

But recently, some media outlets immediately started talking about the fact of marriage in Nagiyev’s life, mentioning either his existing wife or his ex-wife.I think it’s time to lift the veil to clarify a few points for everyone (and for myself, to be honest). Firstly, who is who's husband and wife. Secondly, man or woman Alice Sher. And thirdly, taking off Dima’s mask of a pretentious presenter, showing him as he really is.We've been together for eighteen years, but I still don't know him.

This man will forever remain a mystery to me. God and devil in one person. Sometimes it seems to me that, having met him, I pulled out the most unlucky ticket in my life. And sometimes it’s the other way around: no one is more lucky than I am.By simple arithmetic you can calculate that half your life has passed... But I still wait for his calls, I want to see him and talk with him - just like at the very beginning of this story...
Alice Sher

HOW TO NEVER GET MARRIED

“How not to get married” is a book made by analogy with the bad advice of Grigory Oster and includes three chapters: “How to never get married”, “How to destroy your marriage”, “How not to get caught in the network of a second marriage”.

“I want to warn you right away that you won’t find Nagiyev in the sequel,” says Alisa Sher. “I wanted to write a book of mistakes. Why are we lonely? Why is it so difficult for us to get married? Why do husbands leave and marriages fall apart? It seemed to me that in able to answer these questions. Well, I have plenty of experience of living alone. Usually women, using it, start writing books like “How to get married,” “How to meet the man of your dreams,” and so on. Well, no, I decided and exclaimed, like grandfather Lenin, who was not yet old: “We will go the other way!” Since I can count myself among those who have made a completely indecent mass of mistakes on the path of “conquering men,” I can only give advice that is “harmful.” Mistakes "I made mistakes both during the period of acquaintance and in married life, and I certainly still make them. So I can rather consider myself an expert in the field of how to do everything to remain alone."